At The Winds End Among The Rubbish

I was feeling on top of the world yesterday and now I feel like the world is steam rolling over me. I had dinner with a friend in Albany tonite but now I'm back at the apartment. It just feels oppressive and empty. When does tomorrow begin and yesterday end ? I'm alone in this place and that hasn't happened too often of late. I used to be able to do so many things when I was alone. But my skills have withered and my magic has all but left me. I pick up my Tarot cards and go over to the bed where I can't hurt myself. I lay the cards out face down so I can only see their backs. I hold my breath. This always takes forever and a day. At first there are flashes of light and it hurts like a mother fucker. More than it used to. Things get dark and I can hear my heart beat so loudly that it scares me. It's the ONLY thing I can hear.
 
In front of me is something huge and invisible. I can almost feel it bearing down on me yet it's a long way off. I have a lot of time. It's a cup. I can't see it but I know it's a gigantic cup. I feel like I'm pouring all of myself into it and the feeling is intensely sexual. My whole body is throbbing but I'm totally passive. It's as if all of me was flowing into the cup and I'm dying. It's getting closer and my arms are wrapped around it. I'm trying to play a song on one of the most beautiful guitars I've ever seen. Every time I try to play a chord, the guitar plays notes of its own. This isn't my song and what we're doing is like fingers on a chalkboard. I can see there's a crack in the guitar and all of the music is flowing out onto the floor. I look down at my fingers and they're bleeding because the strings are razor sharp. I drop the guitar and I'm not sure what happens. The pain is incredible. I can't take the pain. I can see a woman's arm and she's holding a sword. She's offering it to me. It's bright and shiny. Razor sharp. I can imagine how it would feel in my hand and the weight is seductive. I long for the sword. I know that if I take it, all my pain will become the pain of others and all my happiness will leave me. I hesitate before accepting and the offer is withdrawn.
 
I start coughing and I realize I'm face down on the bed. My right hand, the hand where I've sharpened my fingernails to play the guitar, really is bleeding. I must have been clenching my hand so tightly that I broke the skin. As always there's a mess in my pants. I have a horrible headache. I think this will be the last time I am able to do this. I turn over the cards on the bed. The prince of wands. Two of cups. Two of swords. The major arcana have deserted me. There will be two. Two children. The second will hurt far far worse than the first.